


Esme

by WorldOfMyImagination



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: Family, Friendship, Gen, Scrub In, Sign Language, Very small cameos from Holby characters, aac, special needs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-05 22:09:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15872694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WorldOfMyImagination/pseuds/WorldOfMyImagination
Summary: Sam and Iain come to the aid of a young girl found collapsed in the street. Nobody knows who she is or where her family are. The girl is brought into the Emergency Department in a critical condition but the team manage to save her life and with the help of Doctor Petrenko, discover that she has a complex heart condition. With the wards all under too much strain to admit another patient, the team have no choice but to care for the child in the department. Her condition slowly begins to stabilise, however further complications arise when the only response anyone can salvage from her are devastating meltdowns.Alicia is slowly coming to terms with her ordeal and is starting to get back to her old self but the admission of this mysterious little girl in great distress unsettles her and threatens to dig up the memories she has worked so hard to forget. She is put under further stress when her mother turns up questioning why Alicia has not been in contact for weeks. Against all odds, Alicia refuses to let her ordeal define her and strikes up an incredible bond with the girl, helping her through the fight of her life.T/W: Child with heart failure, mentions of abuse, references to rape for Alicia’s current storyline.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My contribution to the Holby City Hospital Scrub-In project which has been a lot of fun and a huge pleasure to be a part of so massive thanks to the organisers and special mention to say-it-aint-so for cheerleading and keeping me going! 
> 
> My story assumes that the events beginning with Bea leaving never happened because let’s face it, we all wish that she had never left (you’re lying if you say otherwise!). I am now wishing even harder for her to come back safely. Oh well, on with the story!

Her bare feet were agonisingly sore and were covered in blisters from several days of walking. Her body was weak and her breathing was becoming more and more difficult with every step she took but she knew that she could not stop. The chaos of the street around her was becoming too much. She could see everything, she could feel everything but the world around her was silent. All of a sudden, a group of boys not much older than herself ran into her, making her jump but did not acknowledge that they had done so. It felt like everything around her was getting closer, too close. She felt as if she was suffocating. Unable to bear the chaos of the busy street no more, she fell to her knees, put her hands over her ears and she screamed and screamed and screamed, though she was barely aware that she was doing so. Her heart felt as if it would burst from her chest, which became so tight that she was frantically snatching at breaths, the street began to spin uncontrollably and then, everything went black.

* * *

 “Can someone tell us what happened please?” Iain called firmly as the paramedics forced their way through the crowd of people gathered round the unconscious young girl. “Hiya darling.” He started as he and Sam knelt down either side of her and began carrying out the usual observations. “We’re just going to take a look at you, alright?”

“She just started screaming and then collapsed.” An elderly gentleman told them.

“Alright, thanks mate.” Iain replied.

 “Does anyone know her name or know where her parents are?” Sam questioned. Several mumbles of the word ‘no’ and shaken heads rippled through the crowd. “Okay, Iain, her heart is racing, she’s freezing cold and cyanosed. Let’s get her wrapped up, hooked up to a monitor, get some oxygen into her and get her to the ED.” She instructed. “Oh and take her bag with you.” She added, referring to the canvas rucksack with a print of _Moana_ on the front. Iain nodded obligingly and picked up the bag, returned to the ambulance to get the required equipment and brought it back to the scene in a matter of seconds. “Alright sweetheart, we’re just going to put these stickers on your chest so that we can monitor your heart and give you some oxygen to help you breathe better, okay?” Sam continued, talking soothingly to the girl as she busied about attaching her to the various pieces of equipment and placing the oxygen mask over the girl’s face. The girl was so small and thin that Sam could easily lift her onto the trolley without the help of a stretcher. The two paramedics ensured that the girl was wrapped up as snugly as possible in foil and blue blankets to maintain the very little heat left in her body, strapped her securely onto the trolley and lifted her into the ambulance. Sam remained in the back of the ambulance with the girl whilst Iain got them to the hospital as quickly as he possibly could, more than aware of the situation’s severity.

* * *

The doors to the ED flew open as Sam and Iain entered with their patient.

“Doctor Munroe, Doctor Kinsella, with me please.” Elle ordered, rushing over to the arrival. “What have we got?” She asked the paramedics as Alicia and Bea joined her, following them swiftly to resus.

“We have an unknown female, aged four or five years old at a guess, collapsed in Holby high street and has been unconscious and unresponsive throughout. Heart rate through the roof at 233 beats per minute, resps 51, she’s cyanosed, hypothermic and severely undernourished. No medical history but she does have a surgery scar down her chest and extremely blistered feet. Nobody knew her and no sign of the parents.” Iain informed the team. “All she had with her was this rucksack containing an iPad but the iPad is out of juice so no help at all.” He finished, placing the girl’s bag on a trolley next to the bed.

 “Thank you Iain.” Elle said. “On my count. One, two, three.” In one swift movement, the team transferred the girl from the trolley to the bed. “Charlie, can you get a line in? Doctor Kinsella get onto the police please and see if there have been any recent reports of missing children matching her description and Alicia, carry out a physical examination whilst I try and slow her heart down.” She ordered. Before she had even finished her sentence, Bea left the room to contact the police and the other two instantly began doing as they had been asked.

“Noel, can I use the phone please?” Bea asked, her expression serious.

“Of course.” The receptionist replied. “What’s going on in there?” He enquired, being careful to lower his voice.

 “We’ve got a young girl potentially with a heart problem, no-one knows who she is or where her parents are. It looks like she’s been on the streets for weeks. She’s in a really bad way.” Bea explained, doing her best to control the rising anger in her voice. Noel could only shake his head. Bea picked up the phone and punched in the number for the local police.

Back in resus, after numerous attempts in both arms and hands, Charlie had finally managed to insert a line and Elle had fluids pumping into the child as quickly as was safe. One of the hardest parts of the job was knowing that you had done all you could and could do nothing more than to simply wait and pray that you had done enough. Steadily, the rapid beeping of the heart monitor began to get slower and slower until it was stable and rhythmic.

“Heart rate down to 102. Still a little high but assuming she has a heart problem I’m happy with that.” Elle said, clearly relieved. “Alicia, anything?” She asked.

“No obvious physical injuries other that the blistered feet and undernourishment as the paramedics reported. She’s just so thin.” Alicia replied with a sigh. Elle nodded in acknowledgement.

“Thank you Doctor Munroe.” She smiled. “Charlie, can you get onto Paeds and Cardio and see if they have a spare bed between them?” Before she could finish her sentence, Charlie had already picked up the phone. He had been in the job long enough by now to pre-empt what the doctors would request and more often than not, he was right.

Bea returned a few minutes later with the news that there were no children matching their mystery girl’s description reported as missing and without a name for the child, her medical records could not be attained. To make matters worse, Charlie broke the news that both Paediatrics and Cardiothoracic were on the brink of overflow and already had multiple patients waiting for beds. Cardio had, however, promised to send down a doctor to fully assess the extent of the girl’s cardiac condition.

As good as their word, Doctor Frieda Petrenko arrived no more than forty minutes later. “Her Tricuspid valve is not properly developed.” She told the ED team matter-of-factly after carrying out a myriad of further tests. “It is called Tricuspid Atresia and she is already in heart failure. My guess is that one of the corrective surgeries failed and left permanent damage to her heart. I will talk to Ms. Naylor and see how soon we can get your girl a bed but I would not hold my breath if I were you – it may not be for a couple of days yet and her condition is too fragile to transfer her to another hospital. My advice is to keep her comfortable and I will fast-track the medications she needs to maintain her heart. Make sure that you watch her like a hawk and call me if anything changes.” Her tone was stern yet informative. It was not that Frieda did not care. In fact, she cared very much but had learned very early on in her training that if you showed emotion for every patient that came through the door, you were constantly drained both emotionally and physically and in the field of medicine, you needed all the energy you could get. With words of thanks from the ED team, Frieda left the department in the same stylish sweep she had entered it in.

* * *

“I thought your shift finished two hours ago?” Charlie said, checking his watch. Alicia looked up from the chair in which she was curled up in and smiled groggily. She had only closed her eyes for a few moments but before she knew it, had dozed off for nearly an hour before Charlie had entered the room. She uncurled herself and stretched out.

“It did. Doctor Petrenko said we needed to keep a close eye on her so I thought I’d do it.” She told him, nodding towards the child in the bed surrounded by a numerous different monitors. “Anyway, why are you still here?” She continued.

“Pulling a double. We’re short-staffed.” He told her in reply.

“Aren’t we always?” Alicia smiled.

“Don’t I know it! Anyway, when Doctor Petrenko said that this little girl needed watching closely I don’t think she meant for you to stay on and watch her. You’re back on shift in nine hours. Go home and get some sleep.” Charlie ordered. “ _Proper_ sleep.” He added as she opened her mouth to point out that she _had_ just done so.

“I can’t, Charlie, I’d rather be here. She’s got nobody.” She told him sadly.

“There is nothing you can do for her now. She’s stable and is being well looked-after. She will still be here in the morning. Trust me, with Ms. Naylor in charge of Cardio we daren’t _not_ do as we’ve been told.” Alicia gave an almost-laugh. “She’s got us. Go home, Alicia.” He insisted gently.

“Are you sure?” She asked, uncertainty in her voice.

“Yes. Go on, we’ll see you in the morning.” With a grateful word of thanks, Alicia left the room and took herself off home just as Charlie had instructed her to do.


	2. Chapter 2

A piercing scream rang through the department. It was coming from the side room where the little girl who had been brought in the previous day was.

“Can I have some help in here please?” Duffy’s voice called out from the room. Within seconds, Elle, Bea, Alicia and David had all rushed in. “She started to come round slowly but as soon as she became aware of what was going on she just started screaming.” She explained, flustered, as the girl’s screams continued to ring out.

“Alright sweetheart, you’re okay, you’re safe, you’re in hospital.” Elle told her in an attempt to calm the girl but with no avail. “We’ve got to calm her down or she’s going to make herself ill.” She told the others.

“Hey, how about I go upstairs and see if I can find you some toys?” Bea suggested to the child, gaining the same response, or lack of, as the rest of them.

Alicia was stood frozen by the door, the colour from her cheeks drained. It was like her brain went into shutdown. Bea put a hand on her shoulder. “Come with me?” She offered kindly. “Alicia?” Alicia blinked. It took her a few moments to realise that Bea had been talking to her.

“Sure.” She replied with a dazed smile and proceeded to follow her colleague out of the room.

“We’ll go and raid Paeds first and then the Play Specialists’ office.” Bea decided.

“Why is she so scared, Bea?” Alicia blurted out.

“What?”

“What is it she’s so afraid of? Young girls don’t have meltdowns like that for no reason. She’s traumatised.” She finished sadly. Bea stopped in the corridor.

“Is that what bothered you?” She asked. Alicia also stopped. “Is that why you froze back there?”

“Sorry.” Alicia apologised.

“No, no I didn’t mean that. That’s not why I called you out.” Bea explained.

“That’s all I wanted to do, you know?” Alicia started. “After everything with…him.”

“Eddie.” Bea corrected. Alicia nodded slowly.

“All I wanted to do was scream.” Alicia had kept her ordeal a secret for several weeks, as long as she possibly could until finally, she reached breaking point and could hide her secret no more. Bea had been the first to find out. Oddly enough, being one of the people who probably knew her the least at that point, she was the one who did not give up in trying to get Alicia to talk. Alicia’s own mind had taunted her, had eaten away at her until Bea’s kindness had made her realise that she could not cope without the help of a friend and eventually, she confided in her. Alicia remembered that first conversation she had had with Bea that evening after work. Over the weeks, she had managed to convince herself that she had got herself into the mess she was in and that she was to blame but Bea told her otherwise. Bea helped her to realise that it was Eddie that had done wrong and not her, it was Bea who told her the horrific truth of that night. Hearing that word was incredibly difficult and Alicia did not want to believe it, however with Bea’s friendship and support, she had ultimately come to realise that her friend was right and over time, came to accept what had really happened.  

“I know. Are you sure you’re alright to stay on the case?” She asked in concern.

“Yes. I can’t pick and choose forever, can I?” Alicia said sadly.

“I’m proud of you.” Bea told her friend with a genuine smile. “You’re amazing.”

* * *

 

Elle had ended up having to sedate the girl after nothing else could be done to calm her down. She was reluctant to do so considering her medical problems but in the end, was left with no other choice. The sedative took only a couple of minutes to kick in and the girl’s screams subsided as the drug’s calming effect waved through her body. Elle had not given her enough to fall into an unconscious state but just enough to stop her terrified screams and send her into a state of total relax. The team knew that this would only work for a couple of hours but at this point, it was a case of taking things one step at a time. The girl lay there, she appeared to be aware of everything going on but the sedative had too strong of a hold for her to be able to react. Her eyes darted around the room, filled with suspicion, following the tracks of everyone in there. Although clearly on edge, the girl’s expression was unreadable. As the moments passed, the people in the room left one-by-one until finally, only Duffy and Elle remained.

Alicia and Bea returned after half an hour with several boxes full of toys, games, arts and crafts for the little girl. The moment they entered, the child’s eyes fixated on them in the same suspicious manner as she had done to everyone else and followed them from the doorway to the end of her bed, where they set down the various boxes.

“We found you all sorts to keep you amused.” Bea told her cheerfully. The girl’s eyes widened in what could only be explained as fear but she could do no more as the sedative still had a hold on her body.

“It’s okay. No-one is going to hurt you.” Duffy reached her hand out to take the girl’s but she instinctively flinched away and sat bolt upright, eyes still wide and her breathing becoming sharp and rapid.

“Let’s all give her some space.” Elle hinted to Alicia and Bea to leave, following close behind them.

“Did you find out her name?” Bea asked once the door to the girls’ room had swung shut behind them. Elle shook her head.

“We haven’t got a word out of her.” She said glumly.

“Well there’s more going on than just her heart.” Alicia interjected. “She has a meltdown when people go near her and did you see the way she flinched away when Duffy went to touch her?” She took a breath to control the emotion in her voice. “That’s not normal.”

“I know.” Elle told her reassuringly. “We will get to the bottom of this Alicia, I promise.”

* * *

 

“Oh Doctor Munroe!” Noel piped up as Alicia walked past the reception desk. Alicia stopped to talk to him.

“Yes?” She smiled, slightly flustered.

“You have a visitor. Your mother.” He announced casually.

“Oh great!” Alicia muttered under her breath. She had a feeling she knew why she was here. In the last few weeks, she had had at least five missed calls from her each day and many a text message. She could not face talking to her, Alicia knew that her mother would know immediately that something was wrong, that is, if she did not already and she just was not ready to explain to another person why she was so far detached from her old self.

“She’s in the staffroom waiting for you.” He finished. With a hurried word of thanks, Alicia strode off towards the staffroom.

“Mam!” She greeted cheerfully as she entered. “What are you doing here?” Silly question, she knew it, but she had to try and act normal.

“Alicia!” Jackie Munroe exclaimed, throwing her arms around her daughter in such a way that Alicia was not expecting and so was nearly bowled over by the gesture. “I was so worried! I’ve not heard from you for weeks. I thought something had…well, you know…happened to you.” Alicia’s stomach churned. Her mum could not be much closer to the truth but there was no way that Alicia could tell her, especially considering the heartbreak that Alicia’s dad had put her mum through. She was convinced that her mum would disown her from her life as she had done her dad. Jackie finally released her grip and Alicia took a step backwards. “So?”

“So what?” Alicia asked.

“What’s been going on?” Jackie prompted.

“Nothing.” Alicia replied, innocently. She sighed at the look of her mum’s questioning face. “I’ve just been really busy with work, we’re really short-staffed so I’ve done loads of extra shifts the last few weeks.” This was not a total lie. Alicia had been taking on every extra shift going these days. It was her coping mechanism. The more she worked, the less she had to think about how her life had been cruelly turned upside-down.

“Not so much as a text, Alicia.”

“I know, I’m sorry mam.” She meant it but for much deeper reasons than she was ready to say.

“Well, why don’t you come over for your tea tonight? Saves you cooking after a long shift.” Jackie offered.

“I won’t be finished til late so best not, eh?” Alicia told her sadly. It was an excuse. She knew her mum would not stop digging until she found out the truth. “Thanks though.”

“Another time?” Alicia nodded.

“I must get back to work now, sorry.” Alicia turned and went to open the door.

“Alicia, you would tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?” Jackie questioned.

“Of course.” Alicia responded quickly without turning to face her and with that, she had shot out the door before her mum could say anything more.

As she hurried down an isolated corridor, Alicia felt her body begin to shake and her mind start to spin. She had not felt like this for weeks now but suddenly, here she was again, just as she thought things were starting to get better. She needed space, she needed quiet and most of all, she needed desperately to be on her own.


	3. Chapter 3

The little girl lay still, her tangled, blonde hair strewn over the crisp pillow. As ever, she was alert and aware of everything going on around her. A nurse entered the room and her body tensed. He seemed cheerful and soon began busying around preparing equipment in order to take her obs. Once again, the little girl’s eyes widened and she lifted her head slightly to watch what the nurse was doing. As he came towards her, she bolted upright, put her hands over her ears, her head onto her drawn-up knees and screamed continuously.

* * *

Alicia was abruptly awoken from her thoughts by the all too familiar, dreaded sound of a child’s screams. She squeezed her fisted hands tighter. She was sure that somebody would be along soon. She waited, but nobody came and Alicia realised that she was the only one around. She had to help.

“Okay, can you get Doctor Gardner please?” Alicia ordered the nurse as she entered the child’s room. The nurse nodded obediently and quickly disappeared to do as he had been asked. Alicia took a deep breath in an attempt to compose herself. “It’s okay, you’re safe, you’re alright.” She soothed the girl, seating herself on the edge of the bed and holding her close, rubbing circles on her back. The girl’s screams reverted into heavy sobs, which slowly lessened. “Nobody is going to hurt you.” She continued. To her surprise, Alicia felt all the tension leave the little girl’s body as she relaxed into Alicia’s arms. Slowly, her head rose from her arms and she looked straight into Alicia’s eyes. “Alright?” She asked softly, knowing that it was a daft question in the circumstances. Alicia went to stand up but felt a sharp tug on her arm as the girl clung on, still fixated on Alicia’s face. “Okay, okay. I’m not going anywhere.” There was a momentary pause. “Can you tell me your name?” She asked. The girl released her grip from Alicia’s arm and sat up. She held up her left palm and touched her index finger with the same finger on her right hand*. Alicia mirrored the child’s actions and the girl nodded eagerly and then pointed at Alicia. “My name?” Alicia asked. The girl nodded. “I’m Alicia.” The child once again held up her left palm but this time touched her thumb with the index finger of her right hand**. She then touched her ear lightly with her finger, held her two fists straight together and pulled them downwards***. “You can’t hear, can you?” Alicia said in sad realisation. The girl shook her head and her bottom lip quivered. She proceeded to put her palm out in front of her whilst her finger on the other hand moved across it in a swiping motion. “I’m really sorry, I don’t know sign language but I have a friend who does.” She explained. At that moment, Elle entered the room and stopped in surprise.

“Oh, so you didn’t need my help at all!” She smiled.

“She’s deaf, Elle. She lip-reads and signs.” Alicia told her colleague.

“Ah. I see.” Elle responded.

“Can you ask Noel to come down and interpret please?” She requested.

“Of course.” Elle turned to leave but quickly turned back again. “Oh and Doctor Munroe.” Alicia looked at her questioningly. “Excellent work, well done.”

* * *

 

“Our mystery child is deaf.” Elle announced as she went behind the reception desk. 

“What?” Bea said in surprise. “How do you know that?”

“Alicia figured it out. She’s managed to get through to her.”

“Alicia did?” Bea was astonished.

“Why do you sound so surprised?” Elle frowned. Bea realised that she had opened her mouth before engaging her brain, a concept not too unfamiliar to her.

“Oh, no. It’s just that nobody can go near that little girl without her having a meltdown.” She quickly recovered herself.

“Well, Alicia must have some sort of magic touch then.” Elle smirked. Bea grinned back at her half-heartedly and quickly looked away, turning her attention to the file that was on the desk in front of her. “Noel, she’s asking if you can go and help. The little girl is using sign language.”

“Of course.” Noel agreed and went off to assist Alicia and the little girl.

* * *

Alicia and the girl had sat in complete silence for almost ten minutes, yet the silence was a comfortable one. The girl was once again calm but this time without the help of a sedative, much to the relief of the ED staff. They knew that every time they sedated the child, they ran the risk of putting even more of a strain on her already-weakened heart and that was something to be avoided at all costs. The child was staring sadly into space, once again clinging tight onto Alicia’s arm, causing it to twist slightly but at this point, Alicia had not the heart to move as she knew better than anyone else the relief and comfort in having someone by your side that you trust. The girl’s grip tightened even more when Noel appeared at the door and her eyes widened in fright. She turned to look at Alicia.

“It’s okay.” Alicia reassured her. “That’s my friend I was telling you about, the one who knows sign language. He’s here to help.” She turned to speak to Noel. “I think it’s best if you don’t come too close.” She advised. “She’s still terrified.” Noel nodded in acknowledgement and stopped at the end of the bed. “So, what was it you were trying to tell me?” Alicia prompted the girl. The child put her finger to the corner of her mouth and then pulled it away from her mouth.

“Talk, or talking.” Noel interpreted. The girl once again repeated the sign where she swiped one finger over her palm and then put her hand to her chin and brought it in a long, downward motion. “Erm…” Noel faltered for a moment. “Oh!” He said in realisation. “iPad, please. I think she’s saying that she uses an iPad to talk.” The girl nodded eagerly.

“Didn’t she come in with an iPad in her bag?” Alicia asked her colleague.

“Yes. It’s charging behind the reception desk. I’ll go and get it, hang on.” Before Alicia could reply, Noel darted off and returned with the iPad that the girl had arrived with in a matter of minutes. Being careful not to go to close and scare the girl, he placed the iPad on the edge of the bed. She leant forward and picked it up, proceeded to place it on her lap, type in the code and open up an app. Her fingers worked quickly for a few moments before she pressed a button and an automated child’s voice spoke from the device.

“ _Thank you.”_ It said simply. The girl looked up.

“Can you tell us your name now?” Alicia asked. Once again, the girl got to work typing before pressing the button which prompted the device to talk.

 _“My name Esme McKinnie and I seven-years-old.”_ It announced. Alicia was taken aback. Esme looked so much younger than seven-years-old but she guessed that was down to a combination of her heart problems and the obvious neglect which she had suffered.

“That’s a very pretty name.” Alicia smiled at Esme.

 _“I used to have hearing aids but my uncle took away when mummy went to Heaven and my ears broken without them.”_ Esme explained. “ _He took iPad but I found it so I run away. I need it to talk.”_

“And your uncle, did he ever hurt you?” Alicia asked with great sensitivity. Esme began to panic and her typing was frantic.

 _“Please stop!”_ She requested, her face pleading.

“Okay, okay.” Alicia said. “We don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want to.” Esme’s relief was instant. “Noel, could you go and pull up Esme McKinnie’s notes and get them to Doctor Gardner please?” She asked her colleague, who went off to do as he had been asked. Alicia watched him leave and then turned back to Esme, who was busy typing out something to say.

 _“I like you you speak clearly so I see.”_ Esme told her. _“Everyone else talk very fast. It make me worried.”_ She continued.

“And that’s why you get upset?” Alicia asked. Esme nodded. “You don’t need to be worried here. Everyone just wants to help you.” She was taken aback by her own words for a moment. They were so full of confidence, yet when she needed people to help her, she shut her colleagues firmly out and isolated herself completely. She quickly blinked away the tears which were forming in her eyes and met Esme’s gaze, smiling comfortingly. “I have to go now and talk to the doctor. Now that we know your name and who you are, we can find your medical records and find out more about you, okay?” Esme slumped back against the pillows. If Alicia could have stayed with her all day, Esme would have liked that and Alicia would have done so gladly, however there was a busy ED out there which could only be avoided for so long and unfortunately, that time was coming up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Signalong Language:  
> *E (for Esme)  
> **A (for Alicia)  
> ***Broken (Esme is saying that her ears are broken)
> 
> There was a little girl on Paul O’Grady’s Little Heroes on 29th August 2018 whose name was Esme and she was also waiting for a heart transplant. I just want to clarify that the similarities are entirely coincidental, this story was planned months before the programme was aired and I have no connection to the real Esme, nor did I have any prior knowledge of her story.


	4. Chapter 4

Alicia flopped onto her sofa. She had been on her feet all day and although by now she was used to it, the feeling of finally settling down in your own home at the end of a long shift was still extremely satisfying. For some time after the events of the past few months, Alicia had felt uncomfortable in her own home, to the point where it had simply become the house that she lived in, there was nothing homely about it at all and _he_ had done that, _he_ had taken away that comfort from her. Since her colleague and mentee Bea had moved in, however, things had started to look that little bit brighter. It was nice, having company. Having a house all to herself had never really bothered Alicia before, in fact, she relished the idea, but after that one night, the fear of loneliness gripped her like an icy, unforgiving hand. Sure, it had not been easy getting used to sharing her home but she had done. Her and Bea became extremely close and Alicia had finally come to trust her enough to confide the events of that one, harrowing night. She thought she could do it on her own, she really did. _“Things always look better in the morning,”_ her mother told her at the age of ten, when she had fallen out with her school friend. In that one particular case and on many other occasions, she had been right but not this time. Not the one time when Alicia hoped and prayed that she would be. Her secret had suffocated her for weeks on end whilst carrying alone drained all her energy. People had noticed, of course they had, Alicia knew that they would, yet she did not feel able to tell them why she was suddenly no longer the bright, bouncy, cheerful Doctor Munroe and had instead been reduced to a distant and isolated shadow of her former self. All she knew now was how lucky she was to have her friends by her side and she could not help but thinking how alone Esme must feel. Whatever trauma she had endured in these past few months, or even years, Alicia did not know, she was carrying it single-handedly just as Alicia had done with her own secret. Alicia knew that the feeling once that secret had been shared was far from contented but was a much better feeling than that of carrying such a heavy and painful burden. She decided at that moment that she was going to be there for Esme, she was going to be the friend that Bea had been to her, if she could.

“I can almost hear those cogs turning!” Bea’s unmistakeable Irish lilt spoke from the doorway. She entered the room, her freshly-washed, still damp hair over one shoulder, and sat down on the other sofa. “You alright?”

“Yes, yes. I was just thinking about Esme, that’s all.” Alicia replied.

“You did good with her today.” Bea told her with a warm smile. “Anyway, how are you doing?” She asked. This was something that Bea made a point of doing every once in a while, asked Alicia how she was doing or how she was feeling and Alicia in turn returned the gesture. It was their way of ensuring that neither of them had to deal with any issue or negative feeling on their own ever again. Between the two of them, they had done enough of that to last them both several lifetimes. They had each other’s friendship now and there was no need to hide anything.

“Not bad.” Alicia said, not willing to expand on that statement.

“Alicia?” Bea asked knowingly. Alicia sighed.

“My mam came into the ED today. She’s called and texted me every day and I’ve not responded because I know that she will know something’s wrong.” She began. “Anyway, she knew the second she saw me but I can’t, I can’t tell her about everything, can I?” She explained.

“Can’t you?” Bea questioned. “Alicia, she’s your mum. I think she would want to know.”

“I just don’t know how she’ll react and everything with Esme…there’s just so much going on at the moment. So much I’m trying to figure out how to deal with.” Alicia admitted.

“I know, I know.” Bea reassured her friend. “Just try not to get too involved with Esme. She’ll be transferred to the wards in the next couple of days.”

“Bea, how can I not get involved? She’s got no-one and I think, I hope, that she is starting to trust me. She said that her uncle took away her hearing aids and her iPad, her only means of having a voice and when I asked her about him, she told me to stop. What does that say to you?” Alicia had raised her voice without realising. She was frustrated. Frustrated about everything. Frustrated that she did not have the guts to tell her own mother how much she had suffered recently, frustrated that she did not yet have enough of Esme’s trust for her to tell her what suffering she had been through and was currently going through and frustrated that Bea, her closest friend and confidante, was telling her not to get involved.

“Look, I’m not saying don’t get involved, that came out wrong. Sometimes we just can’t help it. What I _am_ saying is just be careful, okay? Don’t get too attached.” Bea warned her gently.

“I know, sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.”

“It’s alright. It’s been a long day.” Bea glanced at her watch. “We’ve got a night shift tomorrow.” She stated. “Do you reckon it’s possible to sleep for twenty-two hours straight?” She asked with a grin and a cheeky glint in her eye. “Because right now I think I need it!” Alicia giggled.

“Not without sedation.” She replied. “And if you break the ‘no more than five units of alcohol a day except for on special occasions’ rule then I will have to throw you out.” Alicia grinned back.

“Oh you drive a hard bargain Doctor Munroe! Anyway, I think I can hear my bed calling me so I’m going to head on up. See you in the morning.” Bea said, getting up and leaving the room.

“Goodnight, Bea.” Alicia said. She listened to the creaking of the stairs as Bea made her way up and when she had heard her finally go into her room and shut the door, she made tracks for her own bed and settled down for the night.

* * *

It was midday and Alicia was sat by Esme’s bed, just as she had been several days previously. She had only arrived ten minutes ago and she had found the girl sleeping peacefully and dared not wake her. Alicia was not on shift until the evening but she needed to come in, she needed to be there for Esme. She had left her housemate fast asleep, or at least she assumed she had, as she had not seen or heard Bea at all that morning. Alicia knew that if she told Bea where she was going, she would almost certainly try and talk her out of it.

After a little while, Esme stirred and slowly opened her eyes before turning her head to face Alicia. She clenched her fist and held up her thumb, moving it side to side a couple of times* and then held up her left palm and touched her thumb with the index finger of her right hand**.

“Hi.” Alicia smiled. Esme used the same swiping motion over her palm as she had used the previous day and pointed to her iPad, which was charging just out of reach next to her bed. “You want your iPad?” She nodded. “Okay, hang on.” Alicia said, getting up, unplugging the device and passing it to Esme. As she had done before, Esme quickly got to work typing and then pressed a button.

_“You not wearing doctor clothes today.”_ She observed. Alicia laughed.

“No.” She said. “I’m not working until later.” Esme took a moment to process what she had been told before typing out something else.

_“Then why you here?”_ She questioned.

“Because I know what it’s like to feel alone.” Alicia took a breath before continuing. “And I’d hate for you to feel that way. We all need a friend, Esme, but I can go if you want me to.”

_“Don’t leave me!”_ Esme typed quickly. At that moment, Elle entered the room, surprised to see Alicia there. Esme immediately tensed as she watched the new visitor enter the room. Alicia took the girl’s hand and squeezed it comfortingly.

“Doctor Munroe. I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” Elle stated.

“Sorry, Elle. I just wanted to check on Esme.” Alicia explained.

“Okay, well whilst you’re here, can I have a word outside please?” She asked. Alicia obliged, reassuring Esme that she would be back really soon, and stepped outside with her superior colleague. “I thought you might like to know that we can find no relatives for Esme other than her uncle but we’re putting off contacting him for as long as we can until we find out the whole story.” Elle began. Alicia nodded. “We now have Esme’s full medication list and she seems to be taking the tablets with no problem. We just have to leave them on the table and she comes and takes them in her own time. Paeds have managed to finally make a bed available for her so all being well we should be able to move her tonight. I have also spoken to audiology and they are going to come and assess Esme and provide some replacement hearing aids.” Elle stopped for a moment.

“What? What is it, Elle?” Alicia asked, sensing her colleague’s reluctance to reveal the information.

“Esme is on the waiting list for a heart transplant, she has been for the past five months.” Elle revealed. Alicia let out a defeated sigh.

“I knew her heart was bad but I didn’t realise…”

“No, none of us did.” Elle reassured her. “We’re not specialists but I wouldn’t be surprised if she was kept in now until a heart is found for her.” Alicia desperately wanted to say _if_ but knew that she had to remain positive for Esme’s sake. “How much of this do you think she would understand? We have to tell her something.

“She’s pretty switched on.” Alicia analysed. “I think she understands a lot more than we realise. Do you want me to tell her?” She offered. Elle smiled gratefully. Alicia had got there before she had.

“If you wouldn’t mind, Alicia, please?” Alicia, of course, did not mind in the least and had a feeling that Esme would take the news better from her than she would anyone else at the moment. She re-entered the room and Esme looked at her inquisitively. She seated herself down on the bed next to the girl. “Esme, I have some news. Doctor Gardner, the doctor I just went to talk to, has managed to find you a bed on the children’s ward.” A look of horror spread over Esme’s face.

_“You send me away?”_ She asked, tears beginning to form in her hazel eyes.

“No, no!” Alicia replied quickly. “We’re not sending you away at all.”

_“No-one want me. Uncle Stan said and he right.”_ Esme continued, no longer concentrating on what Alicia was telling her. _“I thought you my friend.”_

“Esme, Esme look at me.” Alicia said firmly, gently taking hold of the child’s shoulders. It was too late. She was too far gone. Her whole body was once again trembling violently and Alicia knew what came next, though did not know how to stop it. Esme sprung from her bed, fell to her knees in a corner of the room and screamed endlessly once more.


	5. Chapter 5

Alicia walked in the door feeling utterly deflated. Thirty-five minutes, two doctors and three nurses later, Esme had once again had to be sedated in order to calm her down and this time, she was in such an extreme state of hysterics that Elle had been faced with no other option than to give her a strong enough dose to lull her into a state of unconsciousness.

“Where have you been?” Bea asked, appearing from the kitchen.

“I went to see Esme.” Alicia replied flatly.

“And?” Alicia looked at her. “How is she?”

“She’s been on the transplant list for five months. Elle managed to find her a bed on Paediatrics and I had to go and tell her but she thought we were sending away and she had another meltdown.” Alicia gabbled through small sobs. “I couldn’t get through to her this time, she said that she thought I was her friend. I can’t do it, Bea, I just can’t do it anymore.” She finished.

Bea guided her friend into the living room and sat her down on the sofa. “Right, what can’t you do?” She questioned calmly.

“Any of it.” Alicia said bitterly, as hot tears rolled down her cheeks. “I’ve let Esme down and I’ve let my colleagues down.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Bea exclaimed. “How do you work that out?”

“All this stuff with Eddie, of course!” She practically spat. “I thought I was over it but I’m not, I’m really not and it’s affecting my work.”

“Alicia, I’m by no means an expert but what Eddie did to you, it’s not…I mean, you said yourself a while ago that it’s something that will always be with you and I know it’s cruel but it is something that you learn to live with, rather than get over. And if you ask me, you’re doing a damn good job. You’ll always have good days and bad days and that’s okay. It’s okay not to be okay.” Bea told her encouragingly. “I know I was telling you the opposite last night but perhaps you should go back and see Esme again, set your mind at rest.” Alicia shook her head.

“No, I can’t. I’ve lost her trust now, there’s no going back.” She sighed.

“When a child has a meltdown, they lose all control of themselves. Esme can’t have meant what she said. She’s scared, confused and in a strange new place with lots of different people around her on top of the fact she can’t hear anything that’s going on. Everyone reacts weird when they’re scared.”

“Yeah and don’t I know it.” Alicia said glumly.

“That wasn’t supposed to be a dig at you.” Bea replied regretfully, realising what she had said. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, I know you didn’t mean it.” Alicia paused for a moment. “Well, maybe I’ll leave it a few days first, let Esme get settled in Paeds and then go and visit.” Alicia decided. Bea nodded.

“That sounds like a plan.” She smiled in reply.

* * *

They were already four hours into their night shift and Alicia had been sent on a break after working tirelessly on several patients who had all come in from the scene of a nightclub fire without stopping for so much as a mouthful of coffee. Those four hours, however, seemed to fly by and Alicia did not realise quite how long she had been continuously working until Elle insisted she stop and take a break. With reluctance, she did so. Burying her head in work had always been Alicia’s coping mechanism. When her parents split up, she threw herself into work, when Cal died, she threw herself into work and after her night with Eddie, she threw herself into work. It was a distraction, a temporary one, but a distraction and she was glad that it did not give her a chance to think about anything else whilst she was on the job.

She knocked on the door of the ambulance station staffroom and pushed it open. Sam and Iain were laughing at something that one of them had just said and did not notice Alicia standing there until she was only a few feet away.

“Alright Alicia?” Iain asked.

“Yes, thanks. I just thought you might like an update on the little girl you brought in the other day? Unless someone else has already told you?” She started.

“No. We keep meaning to find out.” Sam replied. “How is she doing?”

“She’s alright. Well, she’s not really but she’s as alright as she can be. Her name is Esme and she is seven. She is in heart failure and on the transplant list. She’s also deaf and clearly terrified of something, she has a meltdown near enough every time someone goes near her.” Alicia informed the paramedics. “Her mum passed away recently and she’s been in the care of her uncle who has been neglecting her and God knows what else. He took away her hearing aids and her iPad which she uses to communicate. They’ve transferred her to Paeds this evening.” She told them downheartedly.

“She’s in the right place, Alicia.” Sam told her reassuringly, sensing her colleague’s loss of hope. Iain nodded in agreement.

“I know. I just wish we knew what her uncle put her through so that we can help her. I tried and I thought I’d gained her trust but now I’m as much of a stranger to her as everybody else is.”

“It’s hard enough dealing with children without the difficulties Esme has.” Iain told her. “Once she settles, she will hopefully realise that she is safe.”

“I know, that’s basically what Bea said.” Alicia sighed. At that moment, a message crackled through on the paramedics’ radios. Iain groaned and Sam grinned wickedly as they both hauled themselves off of the sofa.

“Just give her time.” Iain said as he and Sam left the room, leaving Alicia there by herself. She waited a few minutes as she listened to the ambulance’s siren start up and once it had gradually faded off into the distance, she turned round and walked straight into someone else.

“Oh, sorry.” She apologised.

“Don’t worry!” The other person said brightly. Alicia continued to leave the room but once she had got outside the door, she stopped and realised who she had just bumped into.

Alicia quickly reappeared in the doorway. “Ruby?” The young paramedic looked up, surprised but cheerful as ever.

“Yes?” She responded.

“Listen, I never…on your first day, I was horrible to you. I should never have shouted at you, you just got caught up in a horrible mess and none of it was your fault. Well, I expect you know why I’ve not been…well, not been myself recently. Everybody else does. That was a silly thing to say, of course you know. Anyway, I’m not excusing my behaviour but I just want to say that I’m sorry.” She said cautiously. She did not know Ruby well enough to know how she would react. Ever since the incident on her first day, Ruby had mostly managed to avoid Alicia and Alicia did not know whether or not that was intentional, though if it was she could not say that she blamed her one bit. _She_ would rather have liked to avoid herself these past few weeks if she could.

Ruby was taken aback, however touched by Alicia’s apology. If truth be told, she had barely given her encounter with Alicia on her first day a second thought, but appreciated her words nonetheless. “Honestly, it’s okay.” Ruby smiled back. Her smile was genuine, Alicia could tell that she meant it and she was glad. She liked to make friends with her colleagues if she could. Making friends was always better than making enemies. You could trust your friends. _Well, most of the time you could_ , she thought to herself.

“You’d be quite with in your rights to say no, especially after the way I treated you but I wondered if you would like to come to mine tomorrow evening? Bea and I are doing a takeaway and movie night. We’d love you to join us.” Alicia asked enthusiastically. Ruby’s face immediately lit up.

“I’d love to!” She replied, matching Alicia’s enthusiasm.

“Although I must warn you, I’m pretty sure that Bea’s got her heart set on _Mamma Mia_ so you might want to bring some ear defenders.” She told her with a glint in her eye. Ruby laughed.

“I’m sure it will be great. Thank you, Alicia.” She said. After feeling rather like an outsider in such a close-knit team, feeling that she would never find her place within that team, Alicia’s offer brought hope to Ruby that she was finally starting to fit in somewhere and aside from being good at her job, that is all that Ruby really wanted.

* * *

The rest of the shift went as smoothly as a night shift in the ED possibly could do. There were the usual patients – those who were a little worse for wear after a night out, several fractured limbs, children with high temperatures and a fever and a man with a culinary object stuck somewhere it definitely should not have been – it is fascinating what becomes ‘normal’ in Holby City’s Emergency Department.

Bea was getting ready in the staff room at the end of the shift and Alicia walked in, both of them having hardly seen each other all night.

“Oh, Bea.” Alicia started. Bea turned to her. “Ruby is going to join us tomorrow night. I hope that’s okay.”

“Sure.” Bea smiled. “How come?”

“I bumped into her at the ambulance station and realised I hadn’t really apologised for the way I spoke to her on her first day. I thought this served as a good apology.” Alicia explained.

“Okay.” Bea nodded. “Oh and we’re still watching _Mamma Mia_.” She informed her friend. Alicia grinned.

“I know. I told her to bring her ear defenders.” Alicia earnt herself a glare, albeit in jest, from the F1.

“Just you wait, I’ll have you both up and joining in, trust me.”

“If I know you, you’ll be fast asleep by eight o’clock. Me and Ruby might actually be able to watch the film in peace.” Alicia joked.

“No way, not where there’s a musical involved.” Bea responded. “You ain’t seen nothing yet!” She told her, tossing her hair and strutting towards the door. Unable to stop laughing, Alicia followed her and they left the hospital arm in arm.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ruby desperately (no, seriously!) needs a friend and I thought the three of them would make a fab little group!


	6. Chapter 6

The following morning, Alicia was awoken by the sound of her phone ringing. She rolled over, picked it up and squinted at the screen for a few seconds before her vision refocused. Seeing who it was, she answered the phone.

“Elle?” Alicia spoke groggily.

“Oh, Alicia thank goodness.” Elle replied in relief. “I’m really sorry to wake you but your little friend in Paeds is having another meltdown and the staff can’t get near her. She has been asking for you. You’d be forgiven if you didn’t want to come in, your shift did only finish a few hours ago.” Alicia looked at the clock: _11:03am_. She had only been asleep for little more than two hours. She sighed.

“I’m on my way.” Elle thanked her and Alicia hung up the phone, rolled reluctantly out of bed and got herself ready to return to the hospital. There was no way that Alicia could ignore this. Yes, she had been hurt by Esme’s words to her the last time she saw her but Bea was right, she was in a traumatised state and did not really know what she was saying and Alicia could not and would not hold that against her. Her one goal had been to help Esme and get to the bottom of her hurt and there was no way that she would let that go so easily.

Alicia had got herself dressed and ready in twelve minutes flat. As she went to leave the house, she decided to quickly scribble Bea a note so that her housemate knew where she was, should she wake up before Alicia returned, which was unlikely but Alicia did so anyway and secured it to the fridge with a magnet in the shape of a cat. Picking up her keys and her bag, she left the house and headed for the hospital.

* * *

As Alicia approached the hospital’s entrance, her phone rang once again but this time, it was her mum. Alicia’s stomach twisted slightly. She did not want to answer but knew, after their conversation the other day, that if she did not, Jackie would only come asking more questions and still, she did not feel ready to give the answers.

“Hi mam.” She answered, her tone as though speaking to her mum was a chore. “I can’t really talk at the moment, there’s something I have to do at the hospital.” She explained. “Can I call you back?” There was a beat of silence, most unlike Jackie, who was always the first to kick-start a conversation, seemingly never running out of things to say.

“Oh, okay. I just wanted to see how you are.” Jackie asked, feeling rather pushed-out.

“Look, I told you the other day, I’m fine.” Alicia tried to convince her mum as she made her way up to Paediatrics, though her attempts were futile.

“I do know that something is wrong.” Jackie told her. “It’s a mother’s instinct. Whether or not you want to admit it, I do know.” The softness of her mother’s words made Alicia choke back a sob before speaking again.

“No, honestly, I really am fine but I have to go now so speak to you soon, bye!” Alicia finished hurriedly and quickly hung up before Jackie could get another word in. She felt terribly guilty doing so but she had enough to deal with right now with Esme.

Alicia reached the side room where Esme was staying and peered in through the glass windows. No longer screaming, Esme was curled up in a ball on the floor with her hands over her ears and was rocking rhythmically backwards and forwards. A nurse was stood in the other corner watching her, not able to do anything without causing the girl to break down again. Wiping the tears that she had barely realised were there from her cheeks, Alicia pushed open the door and entered the room, gesturing for the nurse to leave and reassuring her that they would be alright. Before approaching the child, Alicia picked Esme’s iPad up off the bed, walked over to the corner and knelt down next to her. She typed something out and pressed the button before handing it to Esme.

_“Hello you.”_ The device said. Esme removed her hands from her ears and took the device, read the message and then looked up at Alicia with a very small smile. Alicia grinned back at her.

_“You came back.”_ Esme replied.

“Of course I came back.” Alicia said.

_“I thought I upset you. I sorry”_

“Don’t be sorry.” She reassured the child. “How about we get you back into bed? It will be a lot more comfortable than the floor.” Alicia stated. Esme nodded slightly and held her arms out for Alicia to help her up off the floor and back into the bed.

_“Why you sad?”_ Esme asked, looking meaningfully at Alicia.

“What?” Alicia responded, caught by surprise. “I’m not sad, I’m fine.”

_“You sad. I help you?”_ She was persistent. Alicia was touched by the little girl’s strength and kindness.

“Don’t worry about me. I’m a grown up, I’ll be fine. You though, you’re feeling a bit sad at the moment, aren’t you?” She asked. Esme broke eye contact and nodded. Alicia waited for her to look at her again and she did. “How about you and me go for a walk? I’m sure we could both do with some fresh air.” Esme’s face lit up at the suggestion. “Hang on a minute and I’ll go and find you a wheelchair, I won’t be long.”

As good as her word, Alicia was barely out of the room for a minute until she returned with a brightly coloured children’s wheelchair. Before she entered the room, Alicia was taken by surprise at the sight she saw through the window, a sight that practically made her heart shatter. Esme was just as Alicia had left her, propped up on the pillows but the expression on her face had changed completely. The sparkle in her eyes was no longer one of contentedness, instead, it was tears. Tears which were rolling thick and fast down her cheeks. Her face was red and blotchy. In mere moments, something had hit Esme and forced her to crumble. Despite her tears, the girl was silent, no sobbing, no wailing, just tears. The silent cry. The most horrific to witness, especially in such a young child.

“Come on.” Alicia said gently as she entered the room and approached the girl’s bed. “I think you and I need to talk.” She helped Esme off of the bed and into the chair, draping one blanket over her shoulders and another over her knees and round her feet. After the state Esme had been brought into the ED in, Alicia was taking no chances of letting her body temperature plummet again as she knew the impact it could have on her already fragile and unstable health.

The two took a long route out of the hospital in hope that it would calm Esme a little and eventually found their way to the Peace Garden. This was the place that many people, both staff and patients, escaped to in times of trouble. Even though many people seemed to use it as a place of sanctuary, oddly enough, there only ever seemed to be one or two people in there at one time and today was no different, it was only Alicia and Esme, a massive relief for both of them. Alicia parked Esme opposite the bench which she sat herself down on.

“Esme, I hope you know that you can trust me.” She spoke. “If there is anything you want to tell someone, then you can tell me. I want to help you.” She finished sincerely. Esme pulled the blanket that was wrapped around her shoulders up to her face and began to rub her eyes, an attempt to dry her tears. “Crying is never a sign of weakness. It’s just a sign that you have tried to be strong for far too long and that’s okay.”

_“I need tell you something.”_ Esme announced. Alicia nodded and the young girl gingerly eased herself out of the wheelchair and climbed into Alicia’s lap before busying about typing an explanation on her iPad. _“My uncle hurt me.”_ She started, clearing the sentence immediately and typing out more. _“Mummy went to Heaven at Christmas so Uncle Stan had to look after me. He took my hearing aids and iPad and lock me in spare bedroom. When Auntie Meryl came for the funeral she look after me for bit and gave my medicines but then she went back her house. Uncle Stan hit me when he find out.”_ Esme wiped away the fresh tears from her cheeks and carried on, despite her hands shaking. _“He took away medicines and said I be dead like my mummy. He said mummy never loved me because I poorly.”_

“And that’s when you ran away?” Alicia asked.

_“When he went to pub I ran away. I never go back there. Please no make me go back!”_ Esme begged.

“No, no we won’t.” Alicia told her, meaningfully. “You are being so brave.” She told the child. “It takes a lot of courage to talk about something bad that has happened to you and I’m proud of you. I think your mummy would be proud of you too and I am sure that she loved you very much.” They sat in silence for several minutes until Alicia once again spoke up. “What about your auntie? What if we called her? It sounds like she was nice to you.”

_“I no have her phone number or address. She married to Uncle Stan but not now. She live in Ireland.”_

“Does she have the same last name as you?” Alicia questioned.

_“No she mummy’s sister. Her name Meryl White.”_ Esme told her.

“Okay. Well what we can do is we can look on our special computer and find her phone number. What do you think?”

_“Yes please!”_ The sparkle had returned to Esme’s eyes now Alicia had given her a new wave of hope. She hugged the young girl tight and they sat for a while until Alicia began to feel cold, leading her to decide that it was probably a good time to take Esme back inside.

Just as she had said she would, Alicia passed on the details of Esme’s aunt to the Paediatrics staff and they managed to bring up contact details for a number of Meryl Whites. To everyone’s delight, after some time, someone managed to get hold of the correct Meryl White, explain the situation and she was already making arrangements to come over and be with her niece.


	7. Chapter 7

At exactly half past seven that evening, the doorbell rang. It was Ruby, armed with carrot and cucumber sticks, hummus and a selection of different vegetable crisps, much to the amusement of Alicia and Bea.

“We were actually thinking more along the lines of a Chinese takeaway.” Bea laughed. Ruby stepped inside the house and Alicia shut the door behind her.

“Oh, sorry. I just thought…” Ruby began, blushing bright red.

“What she means is ‘thank you’.” Alicia interrupted, raising her eyebrows at Bea, who hurriedly nodded. The three made their way through to the living room.

“So why did you become a paramedic, Ruby?” Bea asked curiously, pouring out the drinks.

“Oh, I guess I just wanted to do something to help people but I like being out and about and I’m not squeamish, so it seemed like the perfect job.” She finished with a small laugh, quickly recognising how stupid she probably sounded to two doctors. Alicia and Bea, however, accepted her explanation without batting an eyelid. “I’m sorry, I…” She began quietly.

“There’s no need to be nervous, Ruby.” Alicia reassured her kindly. “We don’t bite.” She added. “Well, Bea might do first thing in the morning before she’s had a coffee.” Ruby’s face was overcome with horror but she quickly realised that Alicia was joking and her smile returned. “You’re very welcome here. We like to have you.” Bea nodded in agreement.

“Thank you. I mean, it’s nice. I think people think I’m weird, though they’re probably right.” She blurted.

“Weird? Bea dips her chips in her milkshake!” Alicia said. Ruby did not know how to respond.

“There’s nothing wrong with that!” Bea defended. “You’re not weird at all, Ruby. Like Alicia said, it’s nice to have you.”

Ruby’s initial anxieties disappeared after around ten minutes as Alicia and Bea made her feel as if she had been part of their group forever. The three girls had a thoroughly enjoyable evening, it was like they had been friends for rather a long time. Much to Alicia and Ruby’s amusement, Bea, after several glasses of rosé, took centre stage when they put on _Mamma Mia,_ providing the evening’s entertainment, with the use of a hairbrush, as it turned out that she knew not only all the words to the songs, but the dialogue of the entire film, though not entirely to anyone’s surprise. Between the three of them, they managed to get through not only a whole Chinese takeaway but also the offerings that Ruby had brought and Bea and Alicia had to admit that they were rather tasty, albeit outrageously healthy. Their evening ended just short of midnight when Ruby announced that she should go home as she had an early start for her shift the following day and she left the house feeling more comfortable and contented than she ever had done since starting at Holby and to her mind, that was a massive success.


	8. Chapter 8

The hour was early and bleary-eyed, she stepped out of the taxi, lugging a suitcase behind her and made her way into the hospital. Pressing the button to call the lift, she studied the sign in order to work out which floor she needed. The lift arrived and moving in, she pressed the button for the second floor. The lift doors closed and the lift jolted into action, making it to the second floor in a matter of seconds, as if it sensed her urgency. Once the lift doors re-opened, she strode in the direction of Paediatrics and marched up to the nurses’ station, setting her suitcase down beside her.

“Hello, I wonder if you can help me? I’m looking for my niece, Esme McKinnie.” She spoke formally.

“Yes of course, if you would like to follow me then I can take you to her, though I must warn you that she may be sleeping.” The nurse told her.

“That’s fine. I just need to be with her.” She said, her voice filled with emotion. The nurse acknowledged that and took her in the direction of Esme’s private room. She stopped outside and let the woman go in. As she had been warned, Esme was fast asleep. The woman simply sat beside her bed and stayed with her until she awoke.

* * *

“Mrs Munroe!” Noel greeted cheerfully as Jackie made her way up to the reception desk. “Are you looking for Alicia again?” She nodded. “You may have a bit of a wait, she’s currently in resus with a patient.” He told her.

“Not to worry.” She smiled. “Mind if I wait in the staffroom again?” Of course, Noel did not mind so Jackie headed towards the staffroom. In her usual manner, she burst not-so-quietly through the door, making a blissfully-unaware Ruby jump in surprise. “Oh, sorry love.” She apologised.

“Don’t worry.” Ruby smiled. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude but who are you?”

“Jackie Munroe.” She introduced herself. “Alicia’s mam. Your lovely receptionist said I could wait in here.”

“You’re waiting for Alicia?” Ruby checked.

“Yes. Do you know her?” Jackie asked, making conversation.

“Yes…well sort of…I mean, I’ve only been in the job a few weeks but I spent the evening with her and Bea, I mean Doctor Kinsella, last night, which I hope means I can call her a friend now.” Ruby waffled, leaving Jackie looking slightly taken aback, albeit amused. “Oh, I’m Ruby by the way and I know I talk far too much.” She finished awkwardly, her cheeks flushing.

“I’ll let you into a little secret…so do I!” Jackie replied with a wink. Ruby grinned.

“So what do you do? Are you in medicine too?” Ruby asked curiously.

“No, love, not at all.” She laughed lightly. “I’m just a boring old retail worker. My husband works in a grocery store so Heaven knows where Alicia gets her brains from. She’s the first in our family to go to university, let alone medical school. She’s done so well for herself.” She praised.

“You must be so proud of her.”

“I am, love, so unbelievably proud.” Jackie gushed.

“Well she’s very lucky to have you.” Ruby told her. “Especially at the moment.” The loving smile on Jackie’s face instantly diminished at hearing Ruby’s words.

“What do you mean?” She asked, visibly concerned, although not entirely surprised, as she had known for a while now that Alicia was hiding something from her.

Ruby realised instantly that she had said too much and that Jackie had not a clue about what Alicia had been going through these past few weeks. It had not even crossed her mind that Alicia would not have wanted to tell her mum and Ruby found that odd, as Jackie clearly thought the world of her daughter, but understood all the same, which only made her feel all the more guilty. After inadvertently all but revealing Alicia’s secret, she had no hope of continuing the friendship she had struck up with the girls now.

“I…erm…I really should not have said anything.” Ruby said hurriedly. “It’s not my secret to tell. I have to go, nice to meet you Mrs Munroe!” She finished, bolting out of the door as quickly as her legs would carry her. Jackie sighed. Just as she thought she was one step closer to getting to the bottom of her daughter’s troubles, that moment had been snatched away from her. She admired Ruby for her loyalty but at the same time, she desperately needed to know what was going on.

* * *

 

Alicia decided to once again spend her break with Esme but when she got to her room, was surprised to see that the little girl already had a visitor. The scene was a picture – Esme was perched on the end of her bed and her visitor, who Alicia presumed was Esme’s Auntie Meryl, on a chair next to her. They were deep in conversation. Alicia could see both of them signing to each other but had not a clue what either of them were saying. The scene was one of happiness, though Alicia could not help but feel a little bit sad. Esme did not need her anymore, she had her auntie now. She turned to walk away but after getting no more than a couple of metres down the corridor, was stopped by a voice calling to her.

“Excuse me!” The voice said. Alicia turned around to be greeted by a cheerful, yet tired-looking woman probably no more than five years older than herself. She was wearing black leggings and a white sleeveless tunic top with red spots on and a pair of white canvas lace-ups. Half of her strawberry-blonde hair was secured at the back of her head with a single clip whilst the rest draped around her shoulders.

“Sorry, I’m not a Paeds doctor.” Alicia started.

“No, no. You’re Alicia, aren’t you?” The woman approached her. Alicia nodded, wondering how she knew. “I’m Meryl.” She introduced herself. “Esme has hardly stopped talking about you.” She had a slight Irish lilt to her voice, though not as strong as Bea’s. “She said that you’ve made her feel safe, that you’ve looked after her and helped her to calm down when she’s worried. I know she’s inconsolable when she has a meltdown so you must be pretty special for her to respond to you. I can’t thank you enough.” She was genuine, she truly meant what she was saying and Alicia was touched by her words.

“It was nothing. I just did what anyone else would do.” Alicia replied modestly.

“No you didn’t. From what I hear, you’re a doctor who goes above and beyond the demands of her job. If I had have known what my ex was putting Esme through then I would have come back much sooner. I saw them both when I returned for the funeral and I swear there was nothing to suggest that he was mistreating her. She was quiet but she had just lost her mum.” Meryl explained desperately. She clearly felt guilty about the whole situation.

“You can’t blame yourself. You weren’t to know.” Alicia reassured her. “Abusers are very good at hiding what they’ve done and pretending that everything is fine and normal.” It pained Alicia to say this, but it was true and right now, what Meryl needed to hear. She nodded sadly.

“Esme has an audiology appointment in half an hour but would love to see you first.” She encouraged, her smile reappearing. “Come and see her.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to interrupt…”

“She saw you at the window. I’m not sure I would be too popular if I came back without you!” Alicia agreed to go and see Esme again, after all, that was why she had gone upstairs in the first place. Just as Meryl had said, Esme was thrilled to see Alicia again and wasted no time in using her iPad to tell Meryl that Alicia was here, much to their amusement.

A short while later, a text came through on Alicia’s phone. It was Bea, informing her that her mum was waiting for her in the staffroom.

 _“Alicia sad.”_ Esme stated through her device, noticing the change in Alicia’s expression.

“I’m fine, Esme. Look, I have to go but I’ll come back and see you later if I can, okay?” Esme’s face fell. “You’ve got to go and get your new hearing aids anyway.” The girl cheered up slightly and Alicia stood up to leave. “I hope it goes well.” She said to both Esme and Meryl and after exchanging goodbyes, Alicia left the room.

* * *

 

“Mam, you’re back.” Alicia stated, almost accusingly as she entered the staffroom in a rather similar fashion to her mother earlier on that day. “Again.” She finished, standing in front of Jackie and folding her arms. Bea looked down awkwardly. “You can’t keep turning up whilst I’m working, this is a busy hospital!”

“Alicia, she’s worried about you, just hear her out.” Bea reasoned.

“No, Bea!” She exclaimed. “I’ve said I’m fine, what else do I need to do?” Jackie stood up.

“Your friend, Ruby, said that something was wrong.” She said gently, not at all phased by Alicia’s anger.

“Ruby? What has she said?” Alicia asked, exasperated. “And why, for that matter? Why is she talking about me behind my back? My life is none of her business!”

“Alicia, just calm down please.” Bea pleaded.

“No, I’ve had enough!” She snapped, walking out the room and leaving the door to crash so violently that it shuddered. Spotting Ruby walking through reception, Alicia strode up to her. “Ruby! Why have you been talking to my mam? What have you said to her?” Ruby tried to speak but was quickly interrupted. “You know, I thought I could trust you but apparently I can’t. Thanks, Ruby, thanks a lot.” Alicia’s last few words faltered as she was overcome by emotion but before any but one person could see, she ran as tears streamed down her face. Ruby tried to follow her but after a few strides, decided that it was not a good idea at the moment. A gentle hand was placed on the paramedic’s shoulder from behind and she turned to see that it was Duffy.

“Don’t worry.” The kindly nurse said. “I’m sure she didn’t mean what she said. I’ll speak to her.”


	9. Chapter 9

Duffy stepped into the Peace Garden, pulling her jacket tighter around her shoulders and shivering in the biting autumn wind as orange leaves skipped around her feet. She loved the autumn, so long as she had her coat and scarf. Immediately spotting the person she was looking for, she took a breath before approaching her. “Mind if I sit?” She asked. The figure shook her head, not seeming to care.

“If you’ve come to give me a lecture, I don’t want to hear it.” Alicia said bitterly, second-guessing what Duffy was about to say. “I know I shouldn’t have spoken to Ruby like that.”

“I’m not here to lecture you, Alicia. Why were you cross at Ruby, anyway?” She continued. Alicia sighed.

“Because my mam’s been coming in a few times recently trying to find out what’s going on and I just can’t tell her. Ruby’s said something and now mam won’t leave it.” Alicia explained tearfully.

“I think she would want to know. Trust me, I know how hard it is talking about something like this, especially to people you care about…” She began.

“Sorry, Duffy but you don’t, you really don’t know at all. I know you’ve been in this job since before I was even born and I know you’ve seen so much and so many people who have been in my situation but you can’t understand what it’s like, not one bit!” She reeled in frustration. “I just wish I could get over it!” Duffy took Alicia’s hand and squeezed it as sobs shook the young doctor’s body. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Duffy hushed Alicia but said nothing, allowing her time to release her emotions. When Alicia’s sobs had finally subsided, Duffy spoke up, her tone nervous and her voice slightly shaky.

“Alicia, I can’t understand exactly what you’ve been going through but I do have an idea.” Alicia looked at Duffy in confusion. “When I was about your age, I was raped.” Having never really said those words before, Duffy was shocked at how difficult it was, despite it being many years later and at that moment appreciated Alicia’s courage even more in the past few weeks.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.” Alicia replied guiltily.

“Don’t be sorry. The only one here who does know is Charlie.” Oddly enough, Duffy felt her nerves beginning to calm as she started to tell her story. Maybe people were right when they said that it is good to talk. It had taken her thirty years but she had finally realised it and a part of her wished she had taken notice all those years ago when people had told her that. Still, that was then and this is now. She knew that if she could, if she wanted to turn back time and go back to that fateful day, that nothing would have changed. It would only be the same, the humiliation and the sheer terror would be the same, the two things that led Duffy to bottling it all up in the first place. “It happened on the way to work one night. There was a man, I thought he was hurt or ill so went to help him and he grabbed me and then…” This time it was Alicia’s turn to give Duffy’s hand a reassuring squeeze.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Alicia said quietly. Duffy shook her head.

“I was taken to hospital in an ambulance, by my friends and I was treated by my friends. Although they knew what happened I never admitted it, never said it. I was just one of several nurses who had been attacked either going to work or coming home so people knew exactly what he did to me. The only person I really talked to was my friend Megan. She was recovering from an operation at the time and I visited her. I had tried to convince myself that nothing bad had really happened I remember her telling me that just because he didn’t leave me maimed or disfigured didn’t mean that he didn’t do anything and I think you probably went through similar feelings, didn’t you?” Alicia bit her lip and nodded. “But you were strong, you reported Eddie and you went through the whole what I can only imagine as being a horrific process because you realised that what he did to you was wrong.”  
  
“Only because of Bea. She pretty much forced it out of me but now I’m glad she did. If it wasn’t for her then I don’t know if I would ever have said anything to anyone. I can’t do it again, Duffy. I can’t tell my mam.” Alicia’s eyes were pleading.

“Of course that’s up to you.” Duffy started. “But just remember that it’s always going to be there between you two if you choose not to tell her. Ruby never meant any harm by saying what she said. She assumed you mum knew. Anyway, I should probably get back to work. Think about what I’ve said Alicia and if you ever need me, you know where I am.” Alicia thanked Duffy for her kindness and words of wisdom, feeling that she did not deserve it after her bitterness with more than one person in the last hour and she promised to find Ruby later that and apologise to her.

* * *

 

On Alicia’s return to the department, she was upset to learn that her mum had gone home and Ruby’s shift had also finished so she too was no longer in the hospital. She barely had time to think about it for too long as the doors to the ED flung open and Alicia was immersed in an impalement case for the remainder of her shift.

The last two-and-a-half hours seemed to drag for everyone. Alicia was relieved when she was finally able to finish up. She wanted to visit Esme again before she made her way home as she had promised that she would try to get up there that evening and she did not like to let the little girl down. On her arrival, Alicia learnt that Meryl had gone home to get a few hours’ rest after being told to do so by both the Paediatrics staff and Esme.

“Alicia!” A small, stammering yet cheerful voice greeted as she entered the room. It took Alicia a few minutes to process what she had just heard. That voice was no longer coming from the iPad that was charging up in the corner of the room but the little girl that it belonged to. Alicia could not contain the massive grin that spread across her face, very much matching Esme’s.

“Well isn’t this a nice surprise to hear your voice?” Alicia sat down in the chair and Esme scrambled into her lap and put her arms around her neck, resting her chin on Alicia’s shoulder.

“My ears mended now I have new hearing aids. I only talk when I hear what I say.” Esme said releasing her grip. Esme spoke slowly and her speech was not always easy to understand but to those who were prepared to take their time to listen properly and take notice of the girl’s signing along with her speech, she could make herself understood perfectly. “You feeling happy now?” She asked with much sincerity.

“I am, thank you Esme.” Alicia replied. Esme stared at her for a moment.

“No you not. I know.” She said indignantly.

“I am, really.”

“No.” Esme was showing no signs of giving up and her stubborn attitude reminded Alicia very much of Bea. Alicia sighed.

“I just got cross with one of my friends.” She told the girl.

“Why?” Esme asked.

“Because she nearly told my mam a secret. It was my fault. I should have told her ages ago.” Alicia admitted.

“You too scared to tell her?”

“Yes, yes I was.”

“What your secret?” Esme questioned. Alicia thought for a moment. She could not tell Esme the real truth, that would only bring up more questions, aside from being inappropriate for such a young girl. She had to tell her something, however, else Alicia had a feeling that she would not be allowed to leave the room. “I not tell.”

“So a little while ago…someone hurt me and to start with I didn’t tell anyone and then I told one of my friends and she really helped me. The person that did it was taken away by the police at work so everyone else found out what happened. Now my mam knows that something is wrong but I don’t want to tell her. My other friend nearly told her which is why I got cross with her.” Alicia finished sadly.

“You very brave for telling police.” Esme told her, Alicia smiled sadly. “Your mummy want to know so she look after you. She always love you no matter what.” Esme’s words overwhelmed Alicia and gave her a sudden burst of confidence.

“You know what, Esme? You’re right. I do need to tell her and I need to say sorry to my friend.” Alicia decided.

Esme insisted that she go and do it right away, that she would be fine on her own, after all, her Auntie Meryl would soon be back. Alicia thanked Esme for helping her to be brave and Esme told her simply that she was already brave, the bravest person she knew and that she wished she could be as brave as Alicia but of course, Alicia told her that she was the bravest little girl that _she_ knew.

* * *

 

The second Alicia stepped out of the hospital, she was on the phone to her mum, apologising for her behaviour and inviting her over for dinner that evening with the intention of explaining everything, however she did not tell Jackie that. Jackie did not hesitate in accepting Alicia’s invitation. Alicia next stopped off at Ruby’s and apologised to her for her earlier outburst. Ruby understood and apologised herself for putting her foot in it, however Alicia told her that between she, Duffy and Esme, she realised that telling her mum would be the right thing to do. She also invited Ruby to join the three of them that evening in order to make it up to her, to which Ruby agreed but decided to leave the vegetable crisps at home this time.

The two girls entered the house in fits of giggles, causing Bea to go and find out what all the commotion was about and Alicia explained that she had invited Ruby over as a way of an apology. “I’ve also asked mam to come over.” She said shakily. “I’m going to tell her everything.”

“You star.” Bea said, embracing her friend. Ruby, feeling a little awkward in the moment, put her arms round both girls’ shoulders and they, in perfect synchronisation, pulled her into the group hug.


	10. Chapter 10

Shortly before eight, there was a knock at the door which told the three that Jackie had arrived, she was never one to arrive late. Alicia's stomach knotted and she felt sick, her face paled which did not go unnoticed by Bea.

"It's okay." She reassured her gently.

"I don't think I can do this." Alicia panicked.

"Of course you can." Bea told her. "Do you want me to stay with you?" Alicia shook her head and swallowed.

"I've got to do this by myself." She said determinedly.

"You got this." Bea smiled to her.

Just then, Ruby re-entered the room followed closely by Jackie who, as ever, was thrilled to see Alicia.

"Mam, you've met Bea and Ruby." She introduced as the three exchanged greetings.

"It's good to see you, Alicia. You look much happier." Jackie told her daughter with a smile.

"Yes, about that." Alicia began. "I need to talk to you, I owe you an explanation." She said bravely.

Bea caught Ruby's eye and motioned to her to join her in the kitchen. It took a few moments for Ruby to work out what Bea was saying but she sprung up from the sofa the moment that she realised, leaving Alicia and Jackie alone. Alicia waited until she heard the kitchen door click shut, although she was fully aware that the girls would still be able to hear their every word, however she trusted Bea and Ruby enough not to mind, before she sat on the sofa next to Jackie. Before she could open her mouth, Jackie spoke up first.

"Alicia, what is it?" She asked, her face etched with concern. "You're worrying me." She went to take Alicia's hand but Alicia quickly snatched away and shuffled slightly further up the sofa.

"There's no easy way to say this." She began. "I was raped, mam." She exhaled shakily. Jackie's expression turned to one of horror.

"No, Alicia, no." She replied, tears escaping from her eyes.

"Please don't cry, mam, your mascara will run.” She tried to lighten the situation. “I'm fine, really." Alicia this time allowed Jackie to take her hand.

"When did it happen?" She sniffed.

"A couple of months ago."

"Who?"

"Someone at work."

"Did you go to the police?" Jackie had so many questions. "Are you getting support?"

"Yes." Alicia said in response to both questions. "Just waiting for the trial date now. Bea was the first person I told. She's been amazing. I'm also seeing a counsellor which was Bea's doing. Everyone at work is really supportive. I'm in a much better place now than I was a few weeks ago, I promise. You can ask Bea or Ruby or anyone at work really. I do have my up and down days but honestly, I'm okay now." She smiled genuinely.

"And I believe you, I really do. I won't ask any more questions but just...I wish...why didn't you tell me?" She questioned.

"It's not just you, I didn't tell anyone for a couple of weeks, I thought that if I just carried on then it would go away but it didn't." Alicia explained. "I guess...I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid..." She choked back a sob. "I was afraid that you'd give up on me like you did dad." Tears that Alicia had managed to hold back for the last ten minutes finally spilled down her cheeks. Jackie was distraught.

"Never. Never." She told her firmly. "Your dad lied for years to both of us. What he did was nothing like what's happened to you. Alicia, you're my little girl. I will always love you, no matter what." Alicia laughed.

"There's a little girl who's a patient at the moment and she found out that I had a secret and that I was upset about telling you and she said exactly what you've just said - 'your mummy will love you no matter what'. She's only seven."

"She sounds like a very clever little girl." Jackie said and Alicia simply nodded proudly. Jackie wiped the tears from Alicia's face gently with her thumbs and patted her shoulder affectionately. “If you ever want to talk about anything or even just need a hug from your old mam, then you come and find me, alright?” Alicia nodded again.

“I’m sorry for keeping this a secret.” Alicia apologised.

“Don’t apologise, Alicia. None of this was your fault. I’m sorry for pushing you to tell me.”

“It’s fine. I’m glad you did.” There was a momentary pause. “Can I have that hug?” Alicia asked, tears in her eyes and with almost the vulnerability of a child. Without hesitation, Jackie leant forward and took her daughter in her arms.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had the most fun writing this chapter, it may be a little cheesy but it is definitely my favourite! I hate to blow my own trumpet but I really did have a right old giggle writing it (the light-hearted parts, just to clarify).   
> I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

It was nearly nine o’clock the following night as Esme cautiously made her way down the stairs, being careful to pace herself so that she did not tire too quickly. Carefully reading the signs, she headed down the corridor on the left in the direction of the Emergency Department, wearing a toy pirate’s hat and clutching a rolled-up piece of black card which she had been using as a telescope. The further along the way she got, the brighter the lights were until finally, she found herself among the hustle and bustle of the department. She gasped at the masses of people and the noise but decided that she was not going to let it bother her. She had a mission and was going to complete it. Looking round, she spotted the person she was looking for in a room with a sign above it which read ‘Resus’. Not daring to enter, she found the nearest corner to the room, snuck behind it and held the telescope up to her eye to keep watch.

“This looks like a fun game. Can I join in?” A voice came behind her, making her jump. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Sshh!” Esme hissed, putting her finger to her lips. “They not know I here.”

“Who doesn’t?” Bea whispered, bending down to the little girl’s level.

“Anyone.” Esme replied seriously.

“Ah. Who are you hiding from?” She asked, peering in the direction of the girl’s makeshift telescope.

“Not hiding.” Esme said. “I wait for my friend. I think she a bit busy.”

“Who’s your friend?” Bea questioned. Esme brought the telescope away from her face and turned round to Bea.

“Alicia. She a doctor.” The little girl looked at Bea’s scrubs, noticing that they were the same as Alicia’s. “You a doctor?”

“Yes, I am, my name’s Bea. Alicia is my friend too.” She told the child. “It’s Esme, isn’t it?”

“How you know me?” Esme asked, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

“I helped to look after you when you were in here the other week.” She explained. “What do you want Alicia for anyway?”

“It’s a secret.” Esme told Bea firmly, making her grin.

“Is it now? Well, I’m really good at keeping secrets.” 

“Not telling you.” 

“Right.” Bea said, realising that she was not getting anything out of the little girl. “How about you and I go and jump aboard that pirate ship over there and raid the treasure chest?” Bea suggested, pointing in the direction of the staffroom. “And maybe even the biscuit tin? I’m sure Alicia won’t be too long.” 

“You got chocolate biscuits?” Esme asked.

“Of course!”

After a few moments of careful consideration, Esme accepted Bea’s offer, deciding that if she was a friend of Alicia’s, she could be trusted and followed her into the staffroom, though not before Bea had made a call up to Paediatrics to inform them that she had found Esme, who, as it turned out, had snuck off out of the ward only minutes after a nurse had gone in to check on her, leaving the team frantic. Bea reassured them that she was happy to look after Esme and that someone would return her in a while. After that, they went to the deserted staffroom and Bea found the recently re-stocked biscuit tin.

* * *

“Watch out! You going to fall off ship!” Esme shouted to Bea as she looked into her telescope from where she was perched on the back of the sofa. Obligingly, Bea shrieked, wobbled and slid off the sofa and onto the floor, much to Esme’s delight. “I see crocodile! It coming to get you!” She said in a sing-song voice, bouncing up and down in excitement. “Snap, snap, snap!” She clapped her hands together with her arms outstretched in front of her.

“Nooo!” Bea cried dramatically.

“It get you, it get you!” Esme laughed. “Snap, snap, snap! It eat you!”

The door opened just as Bea theatrically flopped onto the floor and Alicia stood in the doorway with her mouth open, unsure of what to say and her eyebrows raised. “So…I’m just going to walk back out and come back in again…” She spoke, before doing exactly that. “…nope, not dreaming.” She said. “Dare I ask?” She smirked. Bea sat up, slightly embarrassed.

“Bea got eaten by crocodile!” Esme said accusingly, grinning from ear to ear and pointing to where Bea was sitting herself up on the floor.

“Of course she did.” Alicia rolled her eyes in amusement and went over to help Bea up off the floor. “Doctor Kinsella, may I ask why a small child who is supposed to be on Paediatrics is now not on Paediatrics and is instead in our staffroom dressed as a pirate and smothered in chocolate?” Alicia asked, referring to the sticky mess all round Esme’s mouth. She took a cloth from the sink and rinsed it before lifting Esme off the back of the sofa and placing her on her lap in order to clean her up. “Are you alright?” She asked the child in concern, noticing that her breathing was more rapid than it should be. Esme put her hand to her chest.

“I out of puff sometimes. Happens a lot. I fine in minute.” She replied. Alicia rubbed circles on her back.

“Well, I can’t answer the pirate question but she escaped from Paeds. I found her outside resus waiting for you.” Bea explained. “She wouldn’t tell me why she wanted you though, it’s a secret apparently.” Alicia nodded.

“Is it indeed?” She asked Esme, who also nodded.

Realising that she was supposed to be back on shift nearly ten minutes ago, Bea made haste and disappeared out of the staffroom, leaving just Alicia and Esme.

“Auntie Meryl said that police want talk to me about Uncle Stan.” Esme told Alicia quietly, looking down at the floor. “I no want talk to police.”

“It will be okay.” Alicia told her. “When I had to talk to the police they were really nice. They listened and they let me take my time.” She explained. “You’re a big girl so I won’t lie to you. It is scary but remember that they want to help you, okay?” Esme shook her head frantically and covered her ears with her hands.

“No, no, no!” She said, panic rising. Alicia took her by the shoulders and looked into her eyes.

“Yes, Esme. It will mean that your uncle won’t be able to hurt you or come near you ever again. It is so important that you do this. I _know_ that you can do it, you are strong and incredibly brave.” She told her firmly. “I believe in you.” Esme took her hands away from her ears but said nothing, she was deep in thought. Eventually, she spoke up.

“Did you tell your mummy about person that hurt you?” She questioned.

“I did.” Alicia smiled at her. “And you were right. She said that she still loves me no matter what.”

“Then I do it for you, Alicia. I be brave for you.” She decided. Alicia smiled once more and there was yet another moment of silence. “Alicia?”

“Yes?”

“Why pirates called pirates?” Esme asked with a cheeky smile. Alicia shook her head and shrugged. “Because they ARRRR!” She finished, collapsing into giggles and Alicia could not help but laugh too. “Bea tell me that joke.” Esme revealed.

“Now why doesn’t that surprise me?” Alicia responded, cringing slightly but being amused by her friend’s terrible sense of humour all the same.


	12. Chapter 12

Several days passed and things seemed to settle and return to some sort of normality. Alicia’s mum was in touch every couple of days to check on her daughter, yet knew to give her time and space which Alicia greatly appreciated. Her and Bea’s friendship with Ruby continued to blossom despite their minor setback and Ruby started to feel a lot less like a lost sheep in such a big team now she had people to fit in with. Most importantly, Alicia felt the best she had in a very long time and truly felt as if she was beginning to get her life back on track.

The police had been to see Esme and she had done incredibly well, she managed the interview all in one go, which was a massive relief to all involved. Her uncle was arrested later on that day and was safely in police custody where they could be sure that he would never, ever be able to hurt Esme again.

Alicia was just leaving the locker room, relieved after working overtime on her shift when she received a text from Meryl. Reading it, she stopped dead. _Possible match for Esme. She’s asking to see you, if you’re around?_ The adrenaline was wearing off and exhaustion setting in. Alicia could not wait to get home but at this moment, all that mattered was Esme. She had to be there for her, that she had promised herself that very first time they had started to bond and there was no way that Alicia was going back on her word now.

Taking the steps two at a time, Alicia made it up to Paediatrics in less than a minute, quickly sending Bea text to let her know what was happening on the way. She stopped outside the door of Esme’s room to catch her breath and compose herself. She was terrified for Esme.

“Hey!” She walked in with her usual bright smile.

“Ah, Mary Poppins has arrived!” Jac Naylor quipped. Nobody could tell if she meant her comment to be sharp or light-hearted. There was never any telling with Jac. “Miss White, we really must go and have that chat now.”

“Yes of course.” Meryl replied. “Alicia, I’m really sorry to interrupt your evening but could you sit with Esme whilst Ms. Naylor talks me through everything please?” Her eyes were both pleading and full of fear at the same time.

“No problem.”

Once the two had left the room, Alicia turned to Esme, who was curled up on her side hiding her face. Alicia sat on the edge of the bed and put a hand on Esme’s shoulder. “Do I get a hug today?” She asked, trying to keep her voice from cracking. Esme lifted her head. Her eyes were red and puffy and a few strands of hair were stuck to her cheek. She shook her head. “No?” Said Alicia in mock disbelief.

“I not want new heart.” Esme croaked, her voice raspy from crying. Alicia gently pulled the strands of hair off of the little girl’s face. “I too scared if it not work.”

“But it will work.” Alicia tried to convince the child, knowing full well that the operation was a massive deal and carried many risks, one of which being that it may not work.

“You not know that.” Esme pointed out. Alicia sighed.

“You’re right but I do know that you are being looked after by the very best heart doctors in the country.” She told her. “Though don’t tell Ms. Naylor I said that, she might get even more bossy.” She added in a light-hearted whisper. Esme did not smile. She turned over to lie on her back.

“I scared.” She admitted, dissolving into tears. Alicia scooped the little girl up and sat her in front of her. “I scared!” She shouted, clenching her fists and pounding Alicia’s shoulders.

“Now listen, just listen.” Alicia started, taking a gentle hold of Esme’s wrists to stop her. “It’s okay to be scared and I think if I was in your situation I would be too and I’m a grown-up but look how far you’ve come from being so anxious that you can’t bear people being around you to talking to the police about how your uncle hurt and abused you. You’re a fighter, Esme and you are doing so well. You can fight through this too.” Alicia told her encouragingly.

“I no want fight anymore.” She said through heavy, exhausted sobs. “I too tired of fighting. I want be with mummy in Heaven!” Esme furiously pulled off her hearing aids and threw them onto the floor. Her words broke Alicia who was also too overcome with emotion to respond. All she could do was hug Esme tight as they both cried on each other’s shoulders.

What felt like a lifetime later, Alicia had managed to compose herself and plaster her brave face back on again, something that she had had good practice in doing a lot recently. She still held Esme close and rocked her gently, which had eventually calmed her down to the point where Alicia was not sure if Esme had fallen asleep. The little girl stirred, sat up and tapped Alicia’s arm, waking her from her deep thoughts.

“Alright?” Alicia asked her, still slightly dazed. Esme touched both her ears with her fingers and then put her right hand to her chin and brought it down in one long motion*. “Hearing aids.” Alicia said in realisation. Esme nodded and repeated her latter sign. “Yes, of course.” She got off of the bed and picked up the two hearing aids, one from under the chair and the other from just by the leg of the bed and secured them back on to Esme’s ears before resuming to her seat on the bed.

“I sorry I hurt you.” Esme said ashamedly. “I not mean it. You still be my friend?” She looked at Alicia, horrified at the idea that she may have lost her friendship.

“Of course I’m still your friend.” Alicia smiled reassuringly. “And you didn’t hurt me. You were upset, it’s okay.”

“Alicia?”

“Esme?”

“If I have new heart, you be my best friend?” Esme questioned innocently. Alicia was moved.

“I’d love to be your best friend.” She replied. “Will you be mine?” Esme beamed and nodded enthusiastically. “Do you know what I think?” Alicia began. Esme shook her head and looked at Alicia questioningly. “I think that if you get your new heart your mummy will be able to watch you from Heaven doing all the things you’ve not been able to do whilst you’ve been poorly. You’ve made me proud and I think your mummy would be super, super proud of you. She would want you to take this chance. Okay?”

“Okay.” Esme responded confidently.

“So you’re going to go into surgery, get that new heart and come out even stronger than you are now, right?”

“Of course.” Esme grinned determinedly.

A short while later, Meryl and Ms. Naylor returned, having got the go-ahead for the transplant – the new heart was a suitable match and in very good condition. Despite her pleas, Esme was only allowed one person to go down to theatre with her and as family, that person had to be Meryl. Alicia was secretly relieved, emotions still running high from earlier on. She bent down and gave the girl one final big hug before she went and as she did, Esme whispered one final thing into her ear.

“I keep fighting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Signalong Language:  
> *Please


	13. Chapter 13

It was nearly midnight by the time Alicia got home. She had been at the hospital for just short of twenty-four hours. She closed the door carefully behind her, aware not to wake Bea up, however her friend was up waiting for her.

“I thought you’d moved out!” Bea joked. “How’s Esme?” She asked, this time more seriously.

“She’s gone down to theatre. It’s just a case of playing the waiting game now. Meryl’s going to let me know if there’s any news.” Alicia replied, shattered in more ways than one. Bea watched her friend, knowing that there was more to it. “She said she didn’t want a new heart.” Tears pricked her eyes at remembering the conversation she had had with Esme. “She said that she didn’t want to fight anymore, that she was too tired to fight and that she wanted to be in Heaven with her mam. It broke my heart hearing her say that.” She finished, unable to hold herself together.

“Come here.” Bea said, hugging Alicia. “I guess it was you that managed to change her mind?” Alicia’s sobs lessened, probably due to her exhaustion more than anything.

“She asked me that if she had a new heart, if I’d be her best friend.” Alicia told Bea, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. “I said yes, of course.”

“Ditching me for a seven-year-old now?” Bea said, pretending to be offended. Alicia gave a small laugh. “Go and get some sleep.” Bea ordered.

“But what if…” She began, before being interrupted by her stubborn housemate.

“Give me your phone.” Bea held her hand out. “You probably won’t be surprised to know that I’ve been sleeping all day.” Alicia was not at all surprised, Bea was bound to be feeling the effects of working nearly a week of night shifts and anyway, she never slept particularly well if she went to bed after midnight. “If there’s any news, I’ll wake you.” She promised. Alicia handed over her phone, grateful, thanked Bea and made her way up to bed.

* * *

“Alicia. Alicia!” Alicia was woken by the sensation of being shaken. She opened her eyes and groaned. Bea was standing next to her. It took her a moment to process the events of the previous night and suddenly remembering, she bolted upright.

“Esme?” She asked, wondering if she really wanted to know.

“Meryl just called. She’s out of theatre.” Bea told her with a smile.

“What?”

“Alicia, it went well. Obviously she has a long way to go yet but all the signs are good.” She explained. Relieved, Alicia flopped back against her pillow. After telling Esme that it would be fine, she could not help but doubt her words, however she was, gladly, wrong to do so. Bea continued on to tell Alicia that by strict instructions of Ms. Naylor, only family were allowed to visit whilst Esme was in the Intensive Care Unit, which could be for weeks, yet equally, it could only be days. It all depended on how quickly she showed signs of starting to recover and if Alicia knew Esme as well as she thought she did, she had a feeling that the little girl would defy all the odds and make a remarkably quick recovery.  “Oh and Ruby created a group chat for the three of us to see if we want to go for a coffee on Friday. I’ve said probably yes but that we’re waiting for news on Esme before we commit. Hope that was okay?” Bea asked.

“Sure. Thanks. We should. I feel like we’ve neglected her a bit these last few days.”

“I did explain so I’m sure she’ll understand.” Bea reassured her friend. “Are you coming down? I’ll put the kettle on.” Bea got up to leave the room.

“Just coming.” Alicia called as Bea walked out the door. She breathed a sigh of relief. It suddenly looked like everything was finally going to be okay.


	14. Chapter 14

After only three days, the doctors decided that Esme was stable enough for them to begin reducing her sedative and gradually bring her back to consciousness. Although drowsy, barely able to move for all the machines and tubes she was attached to and refusing to have her hearing aids in, she managed to use her iPad to begin communicating again, the first thing her asking for being some chocolate biscuits, much to Meryl and the nurse’s amusement and after that, she asked for her ‘best friend’. Five days since her operation and Esme wore her hearing aids once again before she was moved from the ICU back to her room on Paediatrics, already disregarding the typical statistics for transplant recovery and she was thrilled when Alicia was finally allowed to visit, bringing Bea along with her.

“Look Alicia and Bea I jump up and down without run out of puff!” Esme told the pair excitedly, jumping round in circles.

“Esme, just stop for a minute.” Meryl laughed, shaking her head fondly at her niece and greeting the visitors. Esme did as she was asked and stumbled backwards, though managed to stop herself from falling. Still grinning, she ran at Alicia who picked her up.

“I did keep fighting like you said. I did keep fighting for mummy and for you.” She told Alicia. “And my new heart make me better. I wanted be strong like you.” She buried her face in Alicia’s shoulder and squeezed her tight.

“Well I think you’ve put me to shame with how strong you’ve been.” Alicia told her. “Are.” She corrected herself.

“Right, that’s enough of that for one day, you soppy pair!” Bea interrupted cheerfully. “Are you going to open these presents or not?”

“Presents?!” Esme shrieked, scrambling back down to the floor. Bea handed her a large, pink bag with flowers on and Esme plonked herself down on the floor in the middle of the room to look inside. She gasped in delight as she pulled out a number of presents from the bag – a heart-shaped trinket box containing some sparkly hair clips, a cuddly parrot which Bea told her was to go with the rest of her pirate costume, a DVD of songs performed in sign language, a purple zip cardigan which despite the warmth of the hospital room, Esme insisted on wearing right there and then and last but most definitely not least, two packets of chocolate biscuits. She was incredibly grateful for her presents which she showed by thanking Alicia and Bea both with a hug and a chocolate biscuit each.

“Esme?” Meryl spoke. Esme looked at her questioningly. “Are you going to tell Alicia our news?” She prompted. Esme’s eyes immediately lit up and she ran over to sit on Alicia’s lap.

“Auntie Meryl move to Holby and I live with her.” She told Alicia eagerly. “When I more better we go to Ireland for holiday then come back to Holby.”

“Just to sort things out.” Meryl clarified. “It shouldn’t be for much more than a few weeks but we’re going nowhere until the doctors say we can. It’s going to be a tricky enough few months being in and out of hospital but we’ll get there.” She said positively.

“It’s nice in Ireland.” Bea said to Esme. “You’ll love it!”  
  
“Have you been?” Esme asked unknowingly. The adults laughed and Esme looked around in confusion.

“That’s where I come from.” Bea elaborated warmly.

“Ohhh.” Esme said in realisation before chuckling at herself. “You come visit me, Alicia? When we in Holby?” She asked, turning back to Alicia.

“As long as that’s alright with your Auntie Meryl.” Alicia responded. Meryl agreed. “Perhaps you and I could go out sometime and I don’t know, feed the ducks? Go to the park?” Esme nodded keenly.

“That might be nice, it’ll give me a chance to do the shopping!” Meryl commented.

“Though not for a little while yet.” Alicia added quickly. “We don’t want you getting poorly when you’ve come this far. It’ll have to be home visits for a while.” Esme shrugged in satisfaction.

“Best friends for always?” Esme asked, extending her hand with her pinkie finger raised.

“Best friends.” Alicia agreed, linking her pinkie with Esme’s.

“Hey, what about me?” Bea piped up.

“Hmmm…” Esme thought for a moment. “We be second best friends.” She decided, offering her other pinkie to Bea.

“I’ll take it.” Bea replied decisively, also linking her pinkie with Esme’s.

“We be best friends for always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read to the end. I hope you have enjoyed reading this story as much as I have enjoyed writing it. It has been such a joy to write as I have been able to use knowledge from my own experiences of working with children who have Special Educational Needs, particularly those who use Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC) devices and sign language which I think is really important to show how effective other ways of communicating are. Another element of the story which has been taken from my experience is Esme’s heart transplant. Her condition – Tricuspid Atresia – is what I had as a child and just like Esme, I received a heart transplant (though I was a few years older than her) which is the reason I am here, able to write this story and do a job that I am so passionate about so special mention to my donor and her incredible family. Also a little nudge to those of you who are not already on the organ donation register, get yourselves signed up as there are far more people in need of a life-saving organ than there are donors.
> 
> I am very sad that we have reached the end of Esme but it really has been a blast and you never know, I may write some more stories in the future which she may feature in along with Alicia, Bea (who needs to hurry up and get herself back to the ED!) and Ruby, of course. We will just have to wait and see!

**Author's Note:**

> My contribution to the Holby City Hospital Scrub-In project which has been a lot of fun and a huge pleasure to be a part of so massive thanks to the organisers. My story assumes that the events beginning with Bea leaving never happened because let’s face it, we all wish that she had never left (you’re lying if you say otherwise!). I am now wishing even harder for her to come back safely. Oh well, on with the story!


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